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CABIN HOLDINGS PLC
ANNUAL GENERAL MEETING · FY2014 – FY2026
"Twelve Years of Synergy, Leeks & Going Forward, Going Forward"
Presented to shareholders at the Roaches Hall Conference Centre, Leek
12–15 June 2026 · Strictly Confidential · Do Not Distribute To Mark
businessman.wmf
synergy2.wmf
growth_final_v2.wmf
Board Mandate & Forward-Looking Statement
This presentation was commissioned at the highest level of corporate governance:
"Hey could we dig up all the old google sheets of yore and do like a presentation"
— Minutes of the Board, Leeky Cabin 2026.xlsx, sheet "THE FUN STUFF", cell F30
Pursuant to cell F30, the Office of the Spreadsheet has audited 11 surviving corporate documents spanning FY2014–FY2026
Records once feared lost to the Great Filing Cabinet Fire have now been recovered via sworn shareholder testimony (the informants were compensated in gin)
All forward-looking statements are subject to risk, uncertainty, and whoever is driving Geoff
exhibit_a_the_cabinet.wmf
Exhibits Submitted Into The Record
Before we begin: two unaltered documents from the FY2015 archive, certified as evidence of the rigorous governance to follow.
Exhibit A
Risk Register & Mitigation Strategy incl. the proof that gin is a solution
Exhibit B
Diversity & Inclusion Framework "Manly Events for Men" v "Girl Events for Girls"
Certified true copies. The Board notes "Being wonderfully flatulent" was filed under Men and "Being wonderfully flagrant" under Women, and considers the matter closed.
Our Founding Values (est. FY2015)
Recovered verbatim from the original "How to have fun" framework, (No) Hot tub Cabin 2:
Drink booze, heavy on the bubbles
Be loud
Climb on things
Run into the sea in pants (amended same year: "Run into the sea naked")
Play the same song on the guitar 5000 times
Bunny resurrection in the name of Easter
These values remain unchanged. We are very proud of this. ✨
Auditor's note: full records recovered via shareholder testimony. 12 operations delivered in 13 years — only FY2024 returned no cabin. We are a serious company.
Headcount Growth 📈
7FY14
9FY15
14FY16
16FY18
21FY20
22FY22
22FY23
27FY25
27FY26
Headcount up 286% since founding. At current growth we require a venue for ~50 lads and/or sons by 2032.
Unit Pricing & Revenue ("Cabinflation")
NOT free*FY16
£86.73FY20 †
£150FY22
£101FY23
£100/£151FY25 ‡
£187.80FY26
FY26 gross revenue: £4,695.00 (25 paying shareholders × £187.80) — an all-time high
*FY16 was NOT free. "Cabin total cost: Free" was filed beside "FREE SEX" and "FREE VERSE BITCHES". The real figure is lost; the auditors are not amused.
† FY20 fully refunded (Force Majeure) · ‡ FY25 launched our first two-tier fare class: Camping £100 vs Bed £151
Data gaps: FY14/15/18 per-head costs were never recorded — FY14 logged food predictions only, and FY15's entire "budget" was £3,000 of gin
gross_revenue.wmf
FY2020: Force Majeure Event
March 2020 operation fully booked: £1,648, 19–21 shareholders, balance due 20/03/2020
A global pandemic was declared instead (not our fault, for once)
CFO Tim had personally fronted £825.66 — every investor was made whole refund channel for Tim himself, per the ledger: "It's me ya doof"
Q3 agile pivot: CAMPSIRE 👑 — same lads, zero walls, "BRING A TENNER ON THE DOOR NO CASH NO ENTRY"
FY22 venue tender: 26 properties formally evaluated by a three-member committee (Espen, Barney, Tim).
"I'm generally in the no hot tub = go fuck yourself camp, but this place does seem inviting" — Committee Member Barney
Officially recorded CONS: "union jack cushions" · "Boaty" · "Sinister, small" · "Pinterest" · "Norfolk"
One Blackpool venue: CON "the worst place I've ever seen" / PRO "We could shoot a porn film"
One venue shortlisted purely because "it was a pub. It looks nice, let's get drunk"
FY26 tender added the maturity criterion: "Good for 3 families?" — we are growing up (slightly)
Fleet Report: GEOFF
Specification: beige VW Type 2 Bay Window, full-length white pop-top roof, 0–60 in due course
FY2015 — first ledger entry: "Geoff Petrol?" — founding of the GEOFF RIDERS faction
FY2018 — major service event: "I think Geoff is in the garage"
FY2026 — achieves verb status: "I can Geoff it"
Eleven years of uninterrupted shareholder logistics. Geoff has never once asked for petrol money. We give it anyway.
geoff_artists_impression.wmf — recoloured to beige by Marketing. Wrong model, no windows, no pop-top. We apologise to Geoff.
Sustainability Report: Eating More Plants 🌱
14%FY14 1 lone veggie
31%FY18
37.5%FY25
100%*FY26
% of shareholders veggie/vegan, except *FY26 = % of menu that is veggie-friendly. Mixing units is a proud FY14 tradition.
FY14 — the founding ESG pioneer: 1 lone vegetarian (Stu, of 7) who served the company CRICKETS for dinner 🦗 entomophagy — sustainable protein a decade early. The Board was not ready.
FY25 census: 15 meaty / 5 veggie / 4 vegan — formal dietary reporting achieved for contrast, FY14's other six enjoyed "Rosie's BACON + maple syrup + eggy bread heaven"
The FY15 ledger also contains ~400 cells that just say "gin", incl. a mural of the word GIN made of the word gin
FY25 line item: 500g lamb's kidneys for the Posh 1930s Breakfast Buffet (Tesco: NOT AVAILABLE — the 1930s remain out of stock)
gin_solution.wmf
THE LEEK PROPHECY
FY2022: the company purchases 26 leeks
FY2026: 26–27 shareholders attend LEEKY CABIN
…in the town of LEEK, Staffordshire
This was foretold. We simply lacked the courage to see it.
leek_of_destiny.wmf (heraldic)
Learning & Development Programmes
The Splitwise Workshop — flagship training since FY20 FY20 field edition (7:00 AM) · FY22: "Splitwise: Learning to Trust the Robot" · FY23: Sunday-night intensive
The Screaming CurriculumFY20: Screaming Yoga (8 AM) → FY25: Ayahuasca Screaming Ceremony → FY26: DMT Screaming Workshop (8 AM Sunday)
Werewolves — on the backlog since FY2016. FY26 sheet: "actually doing warewolves this time" a decade of sustained commitment to planning
Other accredited modules: Upsidedown Twerkshop · Grapes of Plath · Ruff Making Workshop · Stairs and Mothers (talking about our mothers on the stairs club)
Established Synergies (In-Joke Register)
Synergy
First filed
Status
Bums (ceiling, wall, icing of)
FY2015 — "Bum on the ceiling"
Load-bearing
GIN (as a solution)
FY2015 — "Ergo, Gin must be a solution"
Dissolved in
Baileys (misuse of)
FY2016 — "EXTREME Baileys jump"
Ongoing
Ethnic Tune
FY2016 — "I DEMAND ETHNIC TUNE REMIX"
Remixed
🎵 blue pedro 🎵
FY2018 — every cell, everywhere
blue pedro
Fort World
FY2016 → FY22 "fort fort fort fort"
Structural
Buckfast (tiny)
FY2020 — "mini'fast"
Fortified
Angela Merkel (empty worksheet)
FY2015
Still empty
Also acknowledged: Gary, who found the FY15 Secret Area and was never seen again.
Corporate Lexicon Analysis
Every word, from every cell, of every surviving document, FY2014–FY2026. Sized by frequency. We ran the numbers. The numbers are gin.
The FY20 workbook contains a sheet whose name is corrupted beyond mortal text rendering
Contents: "welcome to sheet 666" · "sheet 666 is a comic sans sheet"
"Wouldst thou like the taste of butter? A pretty dress?" w̴̌̽̉o̸̻ù̴l̶̞̄ͅd̵̀͗s̖t t̷̛̞h̷̾ò̷̙̼͙̈ư̷͙̼͒̇̂ l̵̛̼̹̊̀̾ĩ̷͚̀ǩ̤͙̆e͗̆ ẗ̼̺̟́̂̃ó̶ͅ l̸̞̣̽͂i̘̜̙v̷̟̼̊͛̌e͙ d̴̟̉̂̃e̷̝̹̖̿̈́l̇̈ī̼̗̺̾c̉҉ĭ̹̅̀õ̺̙ụ̵̙̼͐̋̂s̺̺͑̿̅l̄ÿ̴̙͙̌?
Plus the complete lyrics to "Come to the Sabbat" (Black Widow, 1970), pasted twice
Related FY20 proposal: "Black Sabbath Abba Bath" — synergy between product lines
COMIC SANS SATAN is a valued stakeholder
🔊 now playing: Black Widow — Come to the Sabbat (1970) · as transcribed in the actual spreadsheet
stakeholder_engagement.wmf
Human Resources Report
FY18 planning document includes a column titled simply: "FIGHTS"
FY22 register tracks shareholders by "Voted?" and "Harassed?" — governance excellence
FY20 facilities grievance, logged in full: "WHO HAS MADE THIS FUCKING MESS" → "I think it was anonymous squirrel" → "that guy's a fucking dick" case closed; squirrel never charged
FY22 performance reviews on file Barney — Pros: "runs for over 16 hours on a single charge" / Cons: "pure trash" · Ekaterina — Pros: "Omnipotent" / Cons: "Never home" · Tim — Pros: "Daddy" / Cons: "Not daddy"
It looks like you're trying to run a company. Would you like help?
YesNoblue pedro
Microsoft Office Assistant
⚠️Office Assistant has resigned with immediate effect. Reason given: "see previous statement".
THE CABIES
THE FY2014–FY2026 EXCELLENCE AWARDS
All results independently audited by the same people who broke the formula ("I broke your formula, use counta instead")
cabie_award.wmf
cabie_award_mirrored.wmf
🏆 Long Service & Catering Division
Longest Service, No Promotion: Stu, Rosie & Nancy present in every surviving record, FY2014–FY2026. Twelve years. Still not management.
Most Meals Cooked (All-Time): FOUR-WAY TIE — Lizzi, Trish, Rosie, Katja (~6 credited meals each) Figures are drawn from the available data and may not reflect reality. All cooks are appreciated. 🧑🍳
Best Menu Item, Lifetime: "Cabbage Surprise PLUS?" (FY25) runner-up: "kedgeree and vedgeree and bedgeree" (FY20)
Outstanding Chef Branding: "Chef James — Don't pizza me off 🤌" (FY25)
In Memoriam: Mike & Meg, founding shareholders (FY2014–FY2014) gone, but their ploughman's lives on
🏆 Finance, Innovation & Special Categories
CFO of the Decade: TIM fronted £825.66 in FY20, refunded 15 investors, asked for nothing. "It's me ya doof."
Innovation in Guest Management: the FY20 Fibonacci Guestlist each attendee numerically the sum of the two before them, squared in the next column, formula ultimately broken
Procurement Excellence: The Espen–Barney–Tim Shortlist Committee 26 properties, zero chill
Document of Unknown Provenance: ESPEN JENGA.xlsx 42 dares, carbon dating inconclusive, incl. "Fix a projector on acid" and "Be a normal person for a whole day"
Best Supporting Vehicle: Geoff 🏆
Selected Board Minutes, FY14–FY26
"wiping is for posh people" — FY2014, our very first recorded debate
"Sharp knives for the food cutty cut (not friend stabby stab)" — FY2020 logistics manifest
"THEY DO NOT HAVE A WASHING MACHINE!!!! / cancel the cabin im not going" — FY2016 shareholder revolt
"Espen is helping but not planning any food i think unless you ask him to (ethical vegan slavery)" — FY2018 HR filing
Scheduled deliverables: Presentations & Office Party · James' Mystery Game · Murder Game · Vocal Harmony Battles · 90s Singalong · Photo Booth
Key risk: "receiving of the Tesco van"
Wallaby hunting — the Roaches wallabies are real (escapee colony, 1930s–40s). We knew. Due diligence was performed. The wallabies were priced into the forecast.
Side note: the Christmas Cabin division remains a going concern (FY25: Trish's wellington, "legend"; Tim: "human soup (hot tub)")
known_wallaby_risk.wmf
⚡ Live Synergy Harvesting Session ⚡
Shout your blue-sky thinking at the presenter. All contributions are minuted. Some are gin.
💡 Idea:
THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE
TRUE LAD AND OR SON
Thank you for attending the AGM. Have an absolutely cracking FY2026. 🥬
Questions? No.
clip art: Openclipart & Wikimedia Commons contributors (CC0 / CC BY-SA) · soundtrack: Bullion — Blue Pedro
HAVE A GOOD YEAR THIS YEAR YOU ABSOLUTE LEGENDS · BEST FY YET, UP AND TO THE RIGHT 📈 · Bum up the Bums, Bum it up · While you feet are stompin' · gin gin gin gin gin · blue pedro · MAY YOUR TESCO VANS ALL ARRIVE ON TIME ·
Slide 1 of ?Default DesignEN · CAPS off · Macros: probably
businessman.wmf
synergy2.wmf
growth_final_v2.wmf
exhibit_a_the_cabinet.wmf
easter_synergy_1907.wmf
gross_revenue.wmf
cfo_tim_with_refunds.wmf
agile_pivot_fieldkit.wmf
geoff_artists_impression.wmf — recoloured to beige by Marketing.
gin_solution.wmf
leek_of_destiny.wmf (heraldic)
stakeholder_engagement.wmf
cabie_award.wmf
known_wallaby_risk.wmf